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Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Personal Life Reflection

To make connection they say let people get to know you. Here are a few brief interconnected tid bits of myself. This introvert, reserved person does not often open up. A step.

This time a year brings both joy and sorrow for myself, family, friends, acquaintances and community. The joy will always be the memories. The sorrow will always be that the memories are all we now have of the joy. (Besides the blessing a three daughters.) Yes there is still joy.

For years I lived with this though in my mind. 'I am afraid of dying alone.' Life kept me busy and I had almost come to accept the possible fate. April 28, 2001 changed that. You never know when or what life will bring you.

I wish I had said these words that day. " Today's the day my life begins. All my life I've been just me. Just a smart mouth kid. Today I become a man. Today I become a husband. Today I become accountable to someone other than myself. Today I become accountable to you, to our future, to all the possibilities that a marriage has to offer. Together, no matter what happens, I'll be ready. For anything... For everything. To take on life, to take on love, to take on possibility and responsibility. Today, our life together begins. And I, for one, can't wait." ( Grey's Anatomy, Season 5 episode 22 'What a Difference a Day Makes') How many re-writes did that take? Only if life could be scripted!

May 4, 2013 changed things. Now I live with this thought in my head. 'I am afraid of dying too soon.' We didn't get to say good-bye as a family. Maybe it was easier that way and maybe you made that decision for us. Were we naive, in denial or optimistic, realistic? 

We all have heard the cliches about mourning. Seen the numerous Facebook post. The truth is We all grieve differently. Grief and loss are personal. How we move forward is unique. Memories are always there. How we fill the emptiness varies. This song will always touch me. Let Her Go But can I? The grieving process has no rules (maybe stages). Sorrow has no timeframe. Pain has no boundaries. Mourning hurts. Sometimes the regrets and the self doubting run rampant. Faith can be shaken. They say don't live in the past, live in the present, live for the future. 

I used to live by this philosophy. "Your children maybe are your life but they don't run your life." These days I have to admit that they do run my life. I am blessed, though.There is a difference between being a single parent by choice versus circumstance. I struggle. I have made mistakes. I have not always been there. What have they missed out on? I do my best. I cannot thank those around me enough. It does take a village.

The ring is still on my finger. Is it a reminder? Is it a safety mechanism? Am I ready to move on? Can I? How? It took us both awhile to find that one person. What about that second time? What baggage do I bring with me?

I leave you with this song 7 Years . It touches so many cords with me and my life. Everyone has a song that makes a connection.

I write this not for your sympathy but as a reflection on myself for myself and maybe others. A glimpse of me, that few get to see. A novel is needed to say everything. Maybe that is needed. Is closure in the making?

1 comment:

  1. Lovely words and reflection, Robert. Been thinking about you!